Listen & Learn

A few nights ago,  I unexpectedly found myself spending time with some former colleagues. I talked to people I hadn't seen in many years, as well as people who were at my house last weekend. The mood was festive -- we were celebrating another colleague's new career path -- but also nostalgic as we reminisced about days gone by. 

I make it a point to do my best to truly listen when someone is speaking. I also like to get to the nitty-gritty level, below the "Everything is Fine!" surface we all tend to present in public. As I made my way around the table that night, I became aware of just how deep the nitty-gritty level is for everyone right now. Because I treasure the precious stories that were given me, I will guard the specifics. What I can share are common themes --

* Grief: so many are grieving the loss of a loved one, or the loss of an expectation they had for their lives or relationships.

* Loneliness: because of various reasons (COVID-19, moving, life changes), many are feeling isolated and alone, as if they are the only ones facing the problems they have, as if they are the only ones having the feelings they have. 

* Anxiety: many are worried about the future -- of their careers, of their families, of our country. Name it, and someone is likely to be worried about it on some level. 

* Frustration: many are feeling helpless, as if their efforts don't matter. Many are feeling invisible, as if their efforts aren't noticed at all. 

Those four themes can be tucked under the umbrella of "Overwhelm." It can all be so much, can't it? And yet, when I first asked my friends how they were doing, the "overwhelming" response was: "Good! How are you?" 

While I did nothing tangible to help any of my friends with the loads they carry behind the scenes, I know that simply asking authentic questions and genuinely listening to their responses made a difference.  I could visibly observe the relief to be heard.  We all want to be validated: "You have been through so much. This is a lot to handle, and you aren't on your own. It's OK to be sad and upset and angry." 

Sometimes, that is all anyone really needs. Too often, sadly, we don't listen -- we merely wait our turn to talk. Too often, we are afraid to go beneath the surface. There is, of course, no place for nosy, gossip seeking. Instead, we need to acknowledge our common humanity, our common struggles. We aren't alone; we just don't always know it. 

Listening to the stories that night gave me perspective on my own life -- I have had my fair share of grief, loneliness, anxiety, and frustration over the past few years, despite having a beautiful family and a loving husband. No one is immune to periods of overwhelm. But, as I walked home thinking about how brave and strong my friends have been, I realized I am too. I don't mean for this post to be about me, though. It is through the specific that we can uncover the universal. 

My observations that night may be part of the answer to my "How Did We Get Here?" post. Could some of the anger and entitlement and downright meanness be merely projection of pain? I am blessed to be know people who look for ways to grow through pain, who choose to empathy and compassion over cruelty. 

May we all be so wise.