Stop Hiding the Hard: Shielding Kids isn't Helping Them Cope

In a recent episode of This is Us, Jack's mother passed away, after 13 strained and awkward years between mother and son. At the end of the show, Jack sets his wife and kids up at the dinner table with a meal his mother used to make and steps away because he was about to cry. When his wife goes to his side, he breaks down and sobs, "I don't have a mother anymore." He pulls himself together before returning to the kids with a brave smile plastered on his face. 

As usual, This is Us captures the truest and hardest parts of family life. Jack is trying to shield his children from seeing their dad cry, from seeing him filled with grief and regret. So many parents react the same way when faced with adversity. We don't want to upset our kids, so we hide what we are going through. It's well-intentioned, but as my own kids age, I realize that hiding the ugly parts of life from our kids is doing much more harm than good. 

When we struggle privately and put on an act to show our kids that everything is great and that we have it all under control because we are Adults and Adults Don't Struggle -- the result is that when our kids experience entirely normal hard times, they think there is something wrong with them . .. because they should be able to handle it all the way their parents do. This is especially true of teenagers who are in dress rehearsal for adulthood. 

Just the other day, I had a conversation with one of our teenagers about how hard life can be at times.  As I tried to assure them that all they were experiencing was entirely normal and human, I realized that my "I've got it all under control" and "Everything is figure-out-able" confidence was only telling part of my story. Like Jack, I'd been walking away from the table to cry. I decided to tell a more accurate story, and shared how stressed and overwhelmed I have felt recently.  And how, as a matter of fact, I don't know any capital-A Adults who aren't feeling the exact same way right now.  

I shared with my teenager a meditation podcast I use, I talked about different coping strategies. Not everything will be solved in one conversation, of course. But it's a start. 

After all, contrary to what our beloved, naive Olaf believes, it doesn't always make more sense when you are older. Honestly, the older I get, the less sense it all makes. 

We need to stop hiding the hard and ugly parts of our lives from our kids. There are ways to model grit and resiliency to children at every stage of their lives. We need to remove the stigma of talking about our emotions and fears and challenges. Our kids don't need half the story; they don't need adult role models who prop up a facade of having it all together at all times. 

They need the truth: Life is the hardest thing we'll ever do, but we can do hard things. And they aren't alone in how they are feeling.  Spoiler Alert: Being vulnerable like this isn't easy for parents. It's actually ridiculously hard. But anytime we step more fully into our authentic selves and tell our true stories, it's worth it. After all, the stakes are too high to continue the charade we've been calling Adulthood. It's time to stop hiding the hard.