In her 2017 TED Talk 12 Truths I Learned from Life & Writing, author Anne Lamott says, "You're going to feel like hell if you wake up someday and you never wrote the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart: your stories, memories, visions and songs -- your truth, your version of things -- in your own voice. That's really all you have to offer us, and that's also why you were born."
Wow. That is utterly inspirational and beautiful, isn't it? As an amateur writer, I find in Lamott's words validation of my regular routine of writing these posts. It honestly doesn't even matter to me if anyone reads them, though I certainly hope they do. All that really matters to me is that I write -- it's one of the main ways that I reflect on my life, so thanks for being along for the ride.
In this same talk, Lamott also says, "Help is the sunny side of control." Stop and read that again: HELP is the SUNNY side of CONTROL. Let that sink in for a moment.
Dammit, Lamott. Do you mean to say that when one of my favorite TV characters, Dr. Max Goodwin, medical director at New Amsterdam Hospital, asks his famous question, "How can I help?" he's also seeking to control? If you watch New Amsterdam and have witnessed Max's struggle to relinquish his position to a less-than-worthy candidate, then you know that his good-intentioned need to "help" does mask a need to control as well.
It's a good thing I'm not like that.
Oh, wait. Dammit, Lamott. I can be like that sometimes. Allow me write about what is tugging on the sleeves of my heart right now:
Recently, one of my children (who shall remain nameless) found themselves feeling overwhelmed by life in general and school in specific. I have been working on my tendency to "give advice" because, like "help," "advice" has a dark side. Too Much Advice says, "You can't handle this on your own. You couldn't even come up with some ideas on your own. You will need me and my wisdom forever because you will not be able to stand on your own two feet." Instead, when people come to me for advice (which shocks me every time...me? Oof. Welcome to Rock Bottom), I am sure to do more listening and questioning than advising. Most of the time, the person just needs to be heard and assured to go in the direction their gut is telling them.
So when the child in question was overwhelmed, I considered my options. Door #1: I could offer help in the way that many adults do -- Child, sit here at my experienced knee. I have created a Schedule for you, and I have created a To-Do List that coincides with that Schedule because this is what I do and it's the Right Way to do things. Do it My Way because I am here to help.
OR, behind Door #2, I could resist the urge to control the child with my "help" and instead -- listen, ask guiding questions, point out previous successes, highlight their strengths. In short, EMPOWER them to solve the problem themselves. Yes, my adult life experience allows me to see the way I would fix the problem, but that doesn't mean that way is right for where my child is in life, nor does it mean that my way is the ONLY way. A sad reality is that I will not always be here to tell my children how to solve their problems. They need to learn it for themselves, just as I did.
Dear Reader, I took Door #2. After a discussion with my child, it became clear that they already knew some steps to take. We talked about what systems were in placed when they were successful in the past, we examined how some of those systems had fallen by the wayside and what could be done about it. And then, they got to work. I checked in occasionally to see how things were going, but ultimately, my child fixed their own problem. Yet, at no point did they feel alone or neglected -- or helpless or weak.
As an educator, I sometimes experience students who strongly depend on the "help" of others. This "learned helplessness" can paralyze a person, because the moment they encounter a speed bump on the road, they stop and wait for someone else to fix it or do it for them. In the long term, this kind of help isn't help at all.
Empowering serves others in a much richer and longer-lasting way than helping ever will. We need to be honest with ourselves about our intentions when we say we are "helping." Chances are, we may be serving ourselves more than we are serving others.
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