I spent far too much of my adult life faking happiness. When I was uncomfortable, unseen, hurt, unfulfilled -- nearly no one knew it. I kept it to myself, so as not to upset anyone's picture of how perfect my life supposedly was. Since breaking free from the gaslighting, emotionally toxic environment I used to live in, I have found my tolerance for fake-ness is quite low. I know in my bones when I am around someone who talks about me behind my back, especially since so much of what is said gets right back to me. I suppose those folks should do a little more vetting before they talk to people about me, but alas! I can honestly say I do not care.
Here's the thing -- I feel deeply sorry for two-faced people. I can't imagine getting to this point in my life and not feeling confident enough to speak my mind and to be authentically who I am. My heart breaks for those who still put on a false front, pretending to be something or someone they aren't, in order to please (or merely not anger) another person. I had an interaction recently with some people who usually completely ignore me if another person is present. (I apologize for the vagueness, but I don't feel right outing people who may not even know they are in the closet.) In the exchange, these people looked me in the eye, spoke to me, acted normal. Not all that long ago, in the presence of someone who would disapprove of their interaction with me, these same people avoided eye contact and ignored me. Another Denise would have been upset and even angry about this hypocrisy. This Denise's first reaction is laughter, which admittedly, isn't very kind. So then, I stop laughing at their pettiness and realize how deeply sad I am for them. I am so glad I am not living a life that keeps me from being authentic anymore. I don't have to hide who I am or what my feelings are. I don't have to wear one mask in front of one crowd, and a different one in front of another.
I do realize why some people act this way, and the reasons are usually quite complicated. Parents can't openly admit their child is not a nice person; spouses can't openly admit that their spouses are abusive. It's nearly impossible to say, "The person I should be closest to is actually acting in a despicable way." I get it. It's so much easier to make people like me into the villains, despite the lack of evidence proving such a claim.
Here's what I have really gotten better at, and my hope is that you can grow this way, too. I've already explore WAY more than I usually do, in terms of the vague exchange I've outlined above, simply because I am 200% sure that I am not alone in this experience, and maybe my sharing will help someone else.
Here's the thing -- you already know that these "fake" people are lost. Don't read into what they do or don't do, because you are already putting in more thought and effort than they do. They have their own work to do, and it's work they can only do themselves. Instead of wasting time, effort, and energy on their work, just let it go. See your true people and what they are going through. See how they could use your help or support. Life is far too short to invest time and energy on people who aren't invested in the same journey.
Trust me when I say that when you learn to pick your own battles, and to choose wisely how you spent your one wild and precious life, you will notice a significant drop in your tolerance for hypocrisy and fakeness. And trust me -- it feels amazing.
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